My heart felt a lot of ache today. After an eventful weekend of exploration with friends, the lull of a quiet Monday gave me a lot of time to think. Too much time to think. sigh. I'm finding distractions so necessary right now. Hello, Pinterest! I felt like the slightest thing would send me sobbing. Don't worry, I turned the station away from country music today. I've realized I need to clear more of my time, and find what makes my heart content for right now. For me, grief feels like coming through a terrible accident, alive but forever changed (and a bit traumatized).
My mom's passing was so intimate and I'm not sure how to work through the memories that come back to me at the most unexpected times. A dear friend told me that, grief triggers are found in the most mundane places. Boy, was she ever right. I doesn't help that I have bits and pieces of my moms belongings all over my home now. I love seeing them but it feels so strange to own her things. The necklace I gave her for Mother's Day one year, hanging in my room, feels so misplaced. I remember shopping for just the right thing to make her feel sparkly, amidst chemotherapy.
I knew it was a delicate day so, I decided it was best spent snuggling my beautiful bloom on the sofa during nap time (one of my favorite places to be, I'm so blessed), cleaning the kitchen (I love a clean kitchen), then running a few short errands. I'm coming down with a cold. I needed vitamins and herbs to kick it fast. Whole Foods never disappoints. That store just makes me happy.
When I am having those delicate days, hours or moments I'm trying to stop and think about what my mom would say to me and how she would comfort me. It helps me to know I can still feel her love, even if it's not the way is was before. I'm constantly hearing her say, "Be kind to yourself." Moms always know the right words. Or at least those of us lucky enough to have moms like mine. I'm gonna keep listening. Hopefully her words will settle into that deep part in my heart.
|Be Kind Print. My Little Buffalo-etsy|