Wednesday, April 25, 2012

My sentimental heart.

Reminders like this make this sentimental heart of mine skip a beat.  Kevin and I will be married five years this June (together for 12).  Our wedding captures so many beautiful memories.  I have yet to album any of our photographs or mementos.  The Mr. and I decided it was the year to do that. 

That means also completing Chloe's baby book.  The best material gift my mother every gave me, was my baby book.  Yesterday, skimming the pages as I tidied the kitchen, my heart bounced through emotions as I read her words.  In beautiful penmanship.  Always, her words, her letters, delicate art that flowed from her fingers. 

She wrote throughout her pregnancy, while in labor (HOW?!), on my birth day, and in the months to follow.  This window into the lives of my parents before I was born and details about the early days I don't remember, it's all so priceless.  It brings me so much joy.

Her passing is teaching me so many things.  Many of them ache deep in my chest.  I giggle with others and even speak aloud to her when I'm so longing to be with her.  Like today.

I am soft, sentimental and cry at the drop of a dime.  My sister and brother used to tease me about my delicate nature.  It sometimes embarrasses me, when I well up at unexpected moments (detergent commercials, anyone?).  But I'm learning to love and accept that part of me.  It's me, after all.  I gather I'd rather feel open, connected and yes, vulnerable to the outpourings that come, rather than hardened. 

And so it is.  This morning during our MOPS meeting at church.  The downpour came.  Our Mentor Moms-wise, loving women, most great grandmothers at this point, shared their life lessons, tips and tricks of parenting.  The times they were delicate caught in heavy tides.  Their message resounded to let it be; that grief ought to be shared and spilled.  Family, friends and prayer will bring you through it.  Reassurance brought comfort, yep and tears.  And I spilled the whole drive home and here now.

One lesson I'm learning...As I let go of my need to be "okay", "together" for every one else.  I find peace within myself.  My perfectionist side wrestles with this one SO much.  I learn each day how to reach out.  And find comfort, like today, even with a group of women I've just met. 

Here I am.  A girl, madly in love with my family, wading this tide the best I can.

It looks like I've got a little crafting ahead of me.  Which I love!


Sara B said...

sweet, sweet sister. i'm with you on this and always. even though aj and i used to tease you, i think you were just a step ahead of the game and now we are all there.

LOVE you. xoxxxxxxoxoxoxoxox

Gina said...

writing during labor just blows my mind! what a strong woman she was, lisa, and you are following in her footsteps. xo.

Joolz said...

beautifully written Lisa. We love you because of your sensitive nature. It's who you are and don't be afraid to show it. I am so happy that you have something to read from your mom. Her legacy lives on! I actually started a journal for Alyssa few days ago too. Will be fun for the kids to read when they get older. Hugs.

ps. how do you look so pretty after crying? :)

Roxana Lopez Photography said...

Your Momsy's words were so beautiful and your following in her foot steps with your blog.
Remember we love you, support you and are always here for you as you are always there for everyone.

Becky, Ryan, Oliver, and Amelie said...

Oh my gosh, so many tears for me just reading this. How precious to have your mom's words written out, I love the exclamations when she heard your heart beat. Wow, it's just amazing. I too, as you know, am a tender heart and I wouldn't have it any other way. You are such a gift to everyone around you because your ears and eyes are open to everything. You are a keeper in my life for sure, love you so

andrea said...

Lisa, I love this post so much. I totally understand the tender spirit talk. There's really no better way to be, it just means you are sweet natured & compassionate, you are such a kind friend and mean so much to so many. What a treasure that baby book is for you. I am so glad you have her hand written words to guide you towards her when you are longing for her now. Her love for you reminds me of your love for Chloe...such wonderful mommies. xoxo

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