On July 3rd, 2012 my sweet Mama would have turned 60 years old.  We gathered together that day to remember her beauty, her life and to say goodbye.  I'm sure I'll be saying goodbye for a while still. 

In the warm summer sunshine on her birthday we let her ashes drift with the wind high in the hilltops of her hometown.  It was a sacred time I will always remember.  Always filled with the scent of lavender, roses, tears.

As I gazed at those same hills a few days later, I could feel her smile upon me through the granite rocks, sage and scratchy brush landscape.

Oh! My Mama. Alela Diane.

My sentimental heart.

Reminders like this make this sentimental heart of mine skip a beat.  Kevin and I will be married five years this June (together for 12).  Our wedding captures so many beautiful memories.  I have yet to album any of our photographs or mementos.  The Mr. and I decided it was the year to do that. 

That means also completing Chloe's baby book.  The best material gift my mother every gave me, was my baby book.  Yesterday, skimming the pages as I tidied the kitchen, my heart bounced through emotions as I read her words.  In beautiful penmanship.  Always, her words, her letters, delicate art that flowed from her fingers. 

She wrote throughout her pregnancy, while in labor (HOW?!), on my birth day, and in the months to follow.  This window into the lives of my parents before I was born and details about the early days I don't remember, it's all so priceless.  It brings me so much joy.

Her passing is teaching me so many things.  Many of them ache deep in my chest.  I giggle with others and even speak aloud to her when I'm so longing to be with her.  Like today.

I am soft, sentimental and cry at the drop of a dime.  My sister and brother used to tease me about my delicate nature.  It sometimes embarrasses me, when I well up at unexpected moments (detergent commercials, anyone?).  But I'm learning to love and accept that part of me.  It's me, after all.  I gather I'd rather feel open, connected and yes, vulnerable to the outpourings that come, rather than hardened. 

And so it is.  This morning during our MOPS meeting at church.  The downpour came.  Our Mentor Moms-wise, loving women, most great grandmothers at this point, shared their life lessons, tips and tricks of parenting.  The times they were delicate caught in heavy tides.  Their message resounded to let it be; that grief ought to be shared and spilled.  Family, friends and prayer will bring you through it.  Reassurance brought comfort, yep and tears.  And I spilled the whole drive home and here now.

One lesson I'm learning...As I let go of my need to be "okay", "together" for every one else.  I find peace within myself.  My perfectionist side wrestles with this one SO much.  I learn each day how to reach out.  And find comfort, like today, even with a group of women I've just met. 

Here I am.  A girl, madly in love with my family, wading this tide the best I can.

It looks like I've got a little crafting ahead of me.  Which I love!

Salty air.

She is in love with Uncle AJ,it's pretty darling.

While on my quick and exhausting trip to California, I was lucky enough to grab an afternoon to spend with a few of my favorite people.  It was a great way to end the day, relaxing with my little brother, dear friend and little bloom.  There is something about that salty air that puts me in a trance.  I just can't get enough.

It was extra sentimental to visit this, our childhood beach.  It was my mom's favorite place to take us kids any free moment we had, she'd pile us all in the car and we'd drive down to Oceanside.  Also, the beach she visited as a child.  We'd return home a little sunburnt (from refusing to reapply sunscreen), covered in sand and with bags of seashells.  Those were some great days.

And lucky for me, my dear friend Roxana photographed the day for us.  She caught some amazing moments for us to savor.  Thank you, Lump!  (That's our nickname for each other, it's a long story.)

Sweet Cheeks.

There is something so simple, perfect, refreshing about the honesty of a little ones face.  Their expressions often show the feelings we don't always reveal.  (At least in public.)  I can relate with this last one lately.  I cherish our little blooms inquisitive nature, even if it keeps us running all day.

These photos were taken by our friends sweet cousin Ngan Huynh, during their baby shower last month.  When she emailed them this weekend, I was elated.  How nice of her?  Thank you, Ngan.

Oh and we have trimmed her fringe since these were taken.  A little unruly.  

Santa & the perfect pine.

 

A few looks back at December.  Chloe saw Santa, she was super curious when we walked up to the deer and light encrusted display, after that, she was not a fan.  I think she was more upset about the little boy crying who was seeing Santa in front of us.  Or perhaps it was Santa's odd expression.  She has good instincts.  The photos of this first are priceless.

We got our Christmas tree late in the month but enjoyed our trip to pick our fragrant beauty out.  I am a bit biased on tree selection, as we bought a Noble Fir every year as kids.  My mom's favorite pine.  Now, it's the only one that looks and smells just right to me.

Our Noble was nestled in a corner by herself and all wrapped up in twine.  When they unwrapped the twine, shook off the dew and displayed her arms, we knew, she was ours.  By far the largest and prettiest tree we have ever had.  Just what we needed to add a little merry to our holiday.

Cruising the tree lot in her pj's.

My first Christmas ornament, from 1981.  A childhood favorite, had special meaning this year.

As of now, our holiday decor is all packed away but our vacuum still smells like the best of winter, pine.

Can't you just see my mom's spirit, sprinkling through the sunlight?  I felt her for sure.

"Mascara is for the brave." -Unknown

Last Saturday, we made our way to Arizona, plopped ourselves down at one beautiful but oh so, SO loud Hyatt.  4 days later after one extensive housing hunt we drove right on back to California.  We did find a perfect little apartment and move in, in about 3 weeks.  But that isn't the important part.  I've been absent from blogging on so many events lately including our little bloom's first birthday celebration.  We are living out of suitcases, without my trusty laptop and all my precious photos at hand.  I have so many words spilling over in my head and heart but a momentous amount of exhaustion is keeping me from clarity or doing more than the basics these days.  I'm lucky if I get a shower and a 4 hour stretch of sleep.  Some babies take a lot longer to sleep through the night I suppose? 

Last Tuesday we signed our rental application, made our deposit and sat down at our new local pizza place to celebrate.  My phone rang and the sound in my sisters voice said, "Uhh, I'm not sure I'm ready for this."  I stepped out of the noisy restaurant to listen.  It was the call you never want to get, the come home, things are getting rough call.  In more or less words, it was time for us to come be with my mom.  We arrived to my mom's house the next day.  The moment we arrived I knew that was exactly where I should be.  But, man I am I struggling.

I find myself in such unfamiliar waters with the woman I know the most in life.  And I'm unable to do anything but sit and be.  (That is when I'm not chasing around my sweet little bloom.)  Thanks to wonderful in-laws and family I've been able to sneak lots of time to sit and tell my mom some of what is in my heart.  Though It's hard to come up with the words to convey.  I'm doing my best though.

She is an extraordinary woman.  Amidst so much pain and challenge especially these last 8 years of cancer treatment she continues to be a woman of  pure compassion to everyone around her.  She is having difficulty speaking but is such a musical soul that song lyrics keep popping up during our visits.  Yesterday between napping and a long stretch of quiet time together, she softly sang, " This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine.", then her voice got quiet but I helped her finish off the song.  It was such a telling moment of her.  Her light shines so bright.

Kevin drove back to Arizona yesterday as his new job begin today.  I wish him so much luck but miss him immensely already.  Chloe and I will be here as long as week need to be.  Hospice will be back tomorrow to check-in and see how every one is doing and provide care.  So, here we've been, me, Chloe, my precious siblings, step-dad and few dear others huddled around the kitchen and her bed, caring for her and soaking up precious time.

I was able to take a few moments this afternoon and shower(thank heavens), eat a couple (tiny) chocolate cookies and share with you, my 8 blog readers.  Can I ask a favor?  Hold my family close in your heart and prayers.  We can use all the support we can get these days.