The perfect patch.

While Kevin was in town we took a little time to relish the new season.  Although the temperature was in the 80's, (way too hot to feel like fall); we found just the perfect patch to pick out our pumpkins.  I'm adamant that we find farms that are not in concrete parking lots.  This one nestled amongst the wineries was just the rustic type to fit the bill.  

Chloe was enthralled by all the kids riding horses and playing in the hay.  She took a few spills as she ran through the piles of squash with great speed.  I tell you this girl skipped walking completely and went straight to running.  It was great to spend a few hours together, just us three.  Last year, she was still in newborn clothes.  This was certainly one quick year.

Hope your starting to get into the season.  I tell you, I'm so not ready for the holidays.  Though I got Chloe's Halloween costumes months ago and I'm indulging in everything pumpkin flavored; I've been skipping all the store aisles labeled "Holiday".  I have a feeling this year will just be a bit different. 

P.S. Vocabulary is building daily as Chloe points at everything in sight for us to identify it.  She recognizes so many words and signs but is starting to verbalize more daily.  Her recent favorite word is eye.  Generally she is nearly poking out her own or someone else's eye while showing us.  Yikes!  It's so fun to hear her saying a word other than Mama and Dada. 

I can't get over this photo, she looks so grown-up.

Time.

Time keeps ticking away.  I'm wanting it to hold still in so many moments lately.  Like last week when my mom and I had a really good giggle.  Mostly about nothing, those are the best kind of laughs.  The ones really only you two get.  I guess that is the kind of intimacy that grows after thirty years together.

Not every moment this week has been sweet, there has been a lot of ache.  I find it most often at the end of the day.  Dinner time comes, I miss our usual huge family meals together and I lay down to bed wondering what the passing time through the night brings.  I'm unsure what exactly to pray for.  Most nights I pray for peace.  Also strength, wisdom, the ability to keep patience while caring for Chloe amidst emotional and physical exhaustion.  We are slowing the flow of visitors as my mom is weakening and sleeping more.  We are unsure what each day may hold. There is an unusual quiet in the house.

Kevin went home tonight.  A quick turn around for him after being in town with us for only a day and a half.  I was so glad he came.  My heart felt right again having him beside me.  It will be an adjustment period again as he returns to work and we try to settle into any sort of routine.  We spent a little time away from the house today, just us three and it almost felt normal.  Except for a nagging weight in the air.  Man, how do those feelings follow you wherever you go?  We know the potential loss of my mom runs deep through every thread of our family.  We are holding onto each other extra tight these days.  Thank goodness for the most supportive In-Law's ever.  Chloe and I (and a few friends) have been staying with them for over a week now.  I don't think we've eaten this well in years.  We feel so blessed to have them for so many reasons. 

Home with colds, 1987ish.

Most days lately we are just like this again.  All three of us take turns snuggling with my mom in her tiny twin hospital bed, most days we are still in our pj's too.  We certainly wish it were the old days, where we were all home sick with a colds, beneath my parents vintage sheets instead.  But there is love in every ounce of togetherness.  I tell you my siblings and Step Dad are outstanding care takers sleeping beside my moms bed throughout the night.  I'm sure even with Chloe's nightly feeding(s) that I'm getting more rest than them.  I'm not sure how they are holding up so well.  They are pure gold.

Now, onto sleep.

"Mascara is for the brave." -Unknown

Last Saturday, we made our way to Arizona, plopped ourselves down at one beautiful but oh so, SO loud Hyatt.  4 days later after one extensive housing hunt we drove right on back to California.  We did find a perfect little apartment and move in, in about 3 weeks.  But that isn't the important part.  I've been absent from blogging on so many events lately including our little bloom's first birthday celebration.  We are living out of suitcases, without my trusty laptop and all my precious photos at hand.  I have so many words spilling over in my head and heart but a momentous amount of exhaustion is keeping me from clarity or doing more than the basics these days.  I'm lucky if I get a shower and a 4 hour stretch of sleep.  Some babies take a lot longer to sleep through the night I suppose? 

Last Tuesday we signed our rental application, made our deposit and sat down at our new local pizza place to celebrate.  My phone rang and the sound in my sisters voice said, "Uhh, I'm not sure I'm ready for this."  I stepped out of the noisy restaurant to listen.  It was the call you never want to get, the come home, things are getting rough call.  In more or less words, it was time for us to come be with my mom.  We arrived to my mom's house the next day.  The moment we arrived I knew that was exactly where I should be.  But, man I am I struggling.

I find myself in such unfamiliar waters with the woman I know the most in life.  And I'm unable to do anything but sit and be.  (That is when I'm not chasing around my sweet little bloom.)  Thanks to wonderful in-laws and family I've been able to sneak lots of time to sit and tell my mom some of what is in my heart.  Though It's hard to come up with the words to convey.  I'm doing my best though.

She is an extraordinary woman.  Amidst so much pain and challenge especially these last 8 years of cancer treatment she continues to be a woman of  pure compassion to everyone around her.  She is having difficulty speaking but is such a musical soul that song lyrics keep popping up during our visits.  Yesterday between napping and a long stretch of quiet time together, she softly sang, " This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine.", then her voice got quiet but I helped her finish off the song.  It was such a telling moment of her.  Her light shines so bright.

Kevin drove back to Arizona yesterday as his new job begin today.  I wish him so much luck but miss him immensely already.  Chloe and I will be here as long as week need to be.  Hospice will be back tomorrow to check-in and see how every one is doing and provide care.  So, here we've been, me, Chloe, my precious siblings, step-dad and few dear others huddled around the kitchen and her bed, caring for her and soaking up precious time.

I was able to take a few moments this afternoon and shower(thank heavens), eat a couple (tiny) chocolate cookies and share with you, my 8 blog readers.  Can I ask a favor?  Hold my family close in your heart and prayers.  We can use all the support we can get these days.

Up early...ugh.

I woke to a calling baby girl at 2:30am and couldn't fall back to sleep.  I decided to just get up already, tossing and turning was doing no one any good.  I have so, so, so much on my mind and right now.  I've just gotta keep on truckin' through the next week until we land ourselves into our hotel in Arizona.  I look forward to having a housekeeper but can't wait to have a place to make into a home.  My heart has been aching all night...not exactly sure why.  But it's kept me awake.  It's nearing 5:30am and the little one will be waking again soon.  I guess I'll start some coffee. 

Today's goal: garage sale & nap.