In route.

This is my first mobile post. I guess we'll see how it goes. We are in route to Temecula, my stomach in knots. I'm so thankful for the company of Kevin's parents and our bloom, of course. We are making the trek from Phoenix. The miles in between are enough I hope, to let go of the anticipation.

I don't know what it feels like to go home, to where my mom once lived. Walking through the front door feels like the hardest step. To not be greeted by her hello, embrace or incessant giggles when she sees Chloe's face.

I told Kevin last night that I feel too young to be doing this. Going home to sort through my mom's belongings. Even though I'm thirty years old, I don't feel ready for this journey. I suppose you never are.

For now I'll enjoy the backseat view of the of the dry, brittle desert and clear blue sky.

If you are reading this, can you say a little prayer for me?

The grass is always greener.

I totally took for granted the green, grassy parks of California.  I had no idea that parks didn't always include this green-soaked view.  Well, Arizona parks are primarily dirt and the grass that is there-brown.  The down the street is no different but, it does have these wispy gray-blue bushes, with yellow flowers, that are such eye-candy.

Desert landscape is a big change for us, considering our previous scenery boasted ocean views and rich green parks.  I have to say Huntington Beach was our dream spot in so many ways.  We did not take it for granted.  We said daily, "I love it here!"  Kevin and I both long for the ocean and we dream of (again) living somewhere where we can walk to most of our weekly activities.  We are sure our future home will have at least one of these elements.  In the meantime we are getting acclimated to cacti and finding new scenes to appreciate.  I do love the dusty gray succulents and copper, steel sculpture that sprinkle the city.  

We've had so many changes in the last 5 months.  It's like we are finally catching our breath.  Many days Kevin and I look at each other and say, "Where are we?"  It's like in the midst of a storm we've plopped ourselves down in a foreign spot to call home.  It will be nice to meet a few people to call friends but for the time being, I'm a little quiet and I'm okay with that.  My heart needs a little extra protection these days.  It's fragile.

I've been concerned that my heartache will effect our little bloom but I'm finding that if anything, she lifts it from me.  She is a constant reminder that life is so SO beautiful, even amidst the ache of loss.  She refocuses me on our family.  That is a good thing.  And I'm happy to report, our little bloom is flourishing.  She has grown so much and is talking a ton.  She loves reading, Olivia the piglet, her wooden puzzles, her favorite word "baby"-we hear it all day long.  She blows kisses to nearly everyone, is excited to wave Hi! to new people and is quick to giggle.  We feel so blessed to be her parents although, we are still often sleep deprived.  I'm afraid to jinx it but this week-she slept until 6am nearly every day.  That alone, is life-changing, bliss.

Right now we are exploring our new city, taking naps and trying so many new restaurants.  My jeans are getting a bit tight.  It's a good thing I found a pilates instructor.  Chloe and I go walking often but It's that mid-week workout that is gonna keep me in check.  Thank goodness. 

We've also been lucky enough to have lots of visitors.  (Photos coming soon)  It is wonderful to have friends and family here with us, we feel very loved.  Right now, my sweet little bro is with us.  He is such a great uncle.  We are so happy he is here.

Well, pretty random post.  But, isn't that how life is? 

So, here I am, just a girl, trying to find her balance.   
How do you find yours?  Any tips?

Progress...

We have been busy unpacking.  Here is a bit of the progress.  We have a lot more toys sprinkled throughout the house than these pictures lead you to believe.  We still have a bit of work to do...all in due time.  Hey, we can sleep and eat...my priorities are still in tact. 

Our Week.

We are settling in...

...kind of.

We left my mom's home after days of sorting through her precious belongings (We still have weeks of sorting ahead of us, down the road.).  I was flooded with emotions leaving to travel to our new home in Arizona.  A state which I have so little familiarity with and a support system of possibly two.  Other than my beloved.  I think I sobbed for hours before leaving and most of thirty minutes in the car too.  Leaving my sister and brother was the hardest part.  Knowing what the feelings they were navigating through too.  It just felt right to all be together.

We have been here in North Phoenix for officially a week now.  It feels disorienting and lonely most days.  Without a schedule, friends to meet up with or my mom to call with recent Chloe updates.  Though the evenings together with Kevin and our little miss are precious.  We've been so tired, our heads generally hit the pillow near 9pm these days.

We have boxes to sort through, art to hang and closets to organize but we are taking our time.  With a toddler unpacking is nearly impossible without someone to help entertain and distract.  Not to mention, I feel a little shell-shocked still.  There are so many things about death that you never know until you experience it so closely.  I'm still getting flash backs of our last moments together, of saying goodbye...
I have so much to share yet not the right words.

Sunday, the 13th of November was her funeral service.  The details of the day will forever be imprinted in my mind.  Waking that morning, getting dressed, putting on my mom's pearls,  skipping breakfast, carrying her urn to the car, the wind blowing through the trees, our bouncing girl in a black lace dress on Kevin's knee.  My sister speaking so eloquently while I held onto my brothers knee, so tight.  So many people and so love surrounding us, yet such sadness.  

We've been here one week, our kitchen is unpacked and that is the most important part, right?  We can sleep & we can eat.  Everything else will come with time.  Although, I need to find some Merry to bring to the holidays ahead.  Perhaps some pumpkin pie will bring that out?  Let's hope.

"Mascara is for the brave." -Unknown

Last Saturday, we made our way to Arizona, plopped ourselves down at one beautiful but oh so, SO loud Hyatt.  4 days later after one extensive housing hunt we drove right on back to California.  We did find a perfect little apartment and move in, in about 3 weeks.  But that isn't the important part.  I've been absent from blogging on so many events lately including our little bloom's first birthday celebration.  We are living out of suitcases, without my trusty laptop and all my precious photos at hand.  I have so many words spilling over in my head and heart but a momentous amount of exhaustion is keeping me from clarity or doing more than the basics these days.  I'm lucky if I get a shower and a 4 hour stretch of sleep.  Some babies take a lot longer to sleep through the night I suppose? 

Last Tuesday we signed our rental application, made our deposit and sat down at our new local pizza place to celebrate.  My phone rang and the sound in my sisters voice said, "Uhh, I'm not sure I'm ready for this."  I stepped out of the noisy restaurant to listen.  It was the call you never want to get, the come home, things are getting rough call.  In more or less words, it was time for us to come be with my mom.  We arrived to my mom's house the next day.  The moment we arrived I knew that was exactly where I should be.  But, man I am I struggling.

I find myself in such unfamiliar waters with the woman I know the most in life.  And I'm unable to do anything but sit and be.  (That is when I'm not chasing around my sweet little bloom.)  Thanks to wonderful in-laws and family I've been able to sneak lots of time to sit and tell my mom some of what is in my heart.  Though It's hard to come up with the words to convey.  I'm doing my best though.

She is an extraordinary woman.  Amidst so much pain and challenge especially these last 8 years of cancer treatment she continues to be a woman of  pure compassion to everyone around her.  She is having difficulty speaking but is such a musical soul that song lyrics keep popping up during our visits.  Yesterday between napping and a long stretch of quiet time together, she softly sang, " This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine.", then her voice got quiet but I helped her finish off the song.  It was such a telling moment of her.  Her light shines so bright.

Kevin drove back to Arizona yesterday as his new job begin today.  I wish him so much luck but miss him immensely already.  Chloe and I will be here as long as week need to be.  Hospice will be back tomorrow to check-in and see how every one is doing and provide care.  So, here we've been, me, Chloe, my precious siblings, step-dad and few dear others huddled around the kitchen and her bed, caring for her and soaking up precious time.

I was able to take a few moments this afternoon and shower(thank heavens), eat a couple (tiny) chocolate cookies and share with you, my 8 blog readers.  Can I ask a favor?  Hold my family close in your heart and prayers.  We can use all the support we can get these days.

Up early...ugh.

I woke to a calling baby girl at 2:30am and couldn't fall back to sleep.  I decided to just get up already, tossing and turning was doing no one any good.  I have so, so, so much on my mind and right now.  I've just gotta keep on truckin' through the next week until we land ourselves into our hotel in Arizona.  I look forward to having a housekeeper but can't wait to have a place to make into a home.  My heart has been aching all night...not exactly sure why.  But it's kept me awake.  It's nearing 5:30am and the little one will be waking again soon.  I guess I'll start some coffee. 

Today's goal: garage sale & nap.

And just like that...

...we are off on a new adventure.  Kevin recently got a new job, hallelujah!  Especially since a few days prior to that, he was laid off, along with a lot of other people.  We feel very fortunate he was able to find a new position so quickly.  So, the only hitch is the new job is in Arizona.  Did I mention we move in two, yep, TWO weeks?  Thank goodness this relocation comes with a moving company or I'd be beside myself with packing so quickly.  

So the plan goes: we pack our bags (all the stuff we need with us for 30 days), the movers come and pack the rest.  Then there is all that garage purging we were gonna get to.  Do we try to make it happen or let the stuff travel along with us?  We will see how time goes and how much garage sale we can pack into one weekend.  Then we stay in a hotel here long enough to tidy up a little and do our walk through with the landlord, then we are off to the desert.  We stay in hotel once we arrive and the house hunt begins.  Wish us luck!

The idea of house hunting is super exciting.   We can get double our (800 sq. feet) for less than what we pay in rent here.  Huge bonus!  And I so enjoy looking at houses.  It will be fun to see what is out there and Kevin gets the week to look with us.  It will be a sort of mini vacation to at least all be together.  As long as I can relax and enjoy the hunt.  I have to admit it feels uneasy to not know were we are landing but I'm visualizing one very cute pad in my head.  I hope we walk right into this place I see in my head.

I'm gonna just say it, I'm totally overwhelmed by the idea of moving.  Kevin and I have weighed the pros and cons, and know we made the best decision for our family.  But it doesn't mean it was an easy one.  Neither of us has ever lived father than an hour from family, ever and all our friends are here.  Moving away from our cozy little seaside place is making me so nostalgic.  The salty air is so soothing.  And we can walk to all our favorite local spots.  The beach is just a stones throw from our front door.  I'm not gonna dwell on it but I just have to say, thinking about saying good bye to friends and family is pretty tough.  Even if it is a temporary sort of thing.  Yep, the project Kevin is working on is a 13-24 month thing.  We will be back before preschool starts.  Maybe with another babe in tow?  I said maybe.

Let the adventure begin.