Hello there.

I've been a little absent from blogging lately.  I've had little time between travel and caring for my little family.  Life gets so busy.  I'm sure you are familiar with this feeling.  After a little sigh, I think I'm ready to post a little more regularly again.  I hope I keep the inspiration anyway.  Hang with me if I don't.  I am learning more about myself daily through being a mother and as I continue to comfort my heart during this time of loss.  I've experienced deaths in my family before but none that has rocked my whole world like losing my mom.  I can't quite explain what it's like but everything suddenly feels different.  I lose my footing more than usual these days.  But somehow I feel like I've been awakened in a way I wasn't fully before.  I see the preciousness and beauty of each passing day more vividly. 

Sometimes it's painful, to feel the moments I missing with my mom and other times all I can feel is gratitude for the gift of a mother that was so very extraordinary.  If you knew her, I don't even have to explain.  The world was brighter just by her being in it.  What I do know is as I find new places in my heart that ache, I'm digging deeper to fill them with gratitude, love and thankfulness for all the blessings I have in my life.  If anything, these growing pains are cultivating a more thankful, compassionate heart in me.

So hang in there my (nine) readers.  I still love you! 

While I'm pouring out my heart here, sometimes after I post, I feel embarrassed for being so vulnerable publicly.  And I go back online to hit delete, but then I tell myself maybe one of you has felt like this too and feels comfort in hearing my words.  I hope that is the case.  If not, thank you for reading along with me.  Your (virtual) companionship is a comfort to me.  Your kind comments are always appreciated.  Thank you. 

If you have a minute, tell me a little more about yourself.  
Who are you my dear readers?

My sentimental heart.

Reminders like this make this sentimental heart of mine skip a beat.  Kevin and I will be married five years this June (together for 12).  Our wedding captures so many beautiful memories.  I have yet to album any of our photographs or mementos.  The Mr. and I decided it was the year to do that. 

That means also completing Chloe's baby book.  The best material gift my mother every gave me, was my baby book.  Yesterday, skimming the pages as I tidied the kitchen, my heart bounced through emotions as I read her words.  In beautiful penmanship.  Always, her words, her letters, delicate art that flowed from her fingers. 

She wrote throughout her pregnancy, while in labor (HOW?!), on my birth day, and in the months to follow.  This window into the lives of my parents before I was born and details about the early days I don't remember, it's all so priceless.  It brings me so much joy.

Her passing is teaching me so many things.  Many of them ache deep in my chest.  I giggle with others and even speak aloud to her when I'm so longing to be with her.  Like today.

I am soft, sentimental and cry at the drop of a dime.  My sister and brother used to tease me about my delicate nature.  It sometimes embarrasses me, when I well up at unexpected moments (detergent commercials, anyone?).  But I'm learning to love and accept that part of me.  It's me, after all.  I gather I'd rather feel open, connected and yes, vulnerable to the outpourings that come, rather than hardened. 

And so it is.  This morning during our MOPS meeting at church.  The downpour came.  Our Mentor Moms-wise, loving women, most great grandmothers at this point, shared their life lessons, tips and tricks of parenting.  The times they were delicate caught in heavy tides.  Their message resounded to let it be; that grief ought to be shared and spilled.  Family, friends and prayer will bring you through it.  Reassurance brought comfort, yep and tears.  And I spilled the whole drive home and here now.

One lesson I'm learning...As I let go of my need to be "okay", "together" for every one else.  I find peace within myself.  My perfectionist side wrestles with this one SO much.  I learn each day how to reach out.  And find comfort, like today, even with a group of women I've just met. 

Here I am.  A girl, madly in love with my family, wading this tide the best I can.

It looks like I've got a little crafting ahead of me.  Which I love!

What matters most.

I have lots of new photos to share but since we've been so busy, I'm taking time now to focus on what matters most.  You know my little bloom and her Dada.  If you are a mama or even if you aren't, I so recommend this beautifully written essay.   I think we will all agree that everyone in our lives wants just more connection.  I love reminders of what really, I mean really matters.  And that's love. 

Today, Chloe had her first dance class.  Let's just say it was an exciting milestone moment for this mama.  The tutu's, hair buns, bows and shaking that happened, Chloe was SO into it.  So was I.  This was my major smile moment of the day.  Seriously.  

Okay and I've got a few goods reads going at night instead of blogging.  I just finished: Bloom by Kelle Hampton and I recommend it highly.  The title caught my eye while reading her blog, since I always call Chloe my little bloom.  I pre-ordered it and I'm so glad I did.  Her book is chalk full of inspiring photos every mother would love.  And her beautiful story of looking for beauty every where and for embracing love instead of fear.  This is something I always strive for and know creates a more peaceful, harmonious life.  Look for the good.  I can always use an extra reminder, can't we all?

I'm paging through a to a couple other books now, a few on grief and a book club selection that I'm just starting now (we meet tonight).  Hopefully they won't kick me out for flunking my first reading assignment.  Ha!  I felt like such a cheater but I had to finish my other book first.  I'll start the next book on the right foot (and totally uncommitted).

Random blog, I know.  That's just the way life is sometimes.

Have a good day, my nine readers.  (wink)

The grass is always greener.

I totally took for granted the green, grassy parks of California.  I had no idea that parks didn't always include this green-soaked view.  Well, Arizona parks are primarily dirt and the grass that is there-brown.  The down the street is no different but, it does have these wispy gray-blue bushes, with yellow flowers, that are such eye-candy.

Desert landscape is a big change for us, considering our previous scenery boasted ocean views and rich green parks.  I have to say Huntington Beach was our dream spot in so many ways.  We did not take it for granted.  We said daily, "I love it here!"  Kevin and I both long for the ocean and we dream of (again) living somewhere where we can walk to most of our weekly activities.  We are sure our future home will have at least one of these elements.  In the meantime we are getting acclimated to cacti and finding new scenes to appreciate.  I do love the dusty gray succulents and copper, steel sculpture that sprinkle the city.  

We've had so many changes in the last 5 months.  It's like we are finally catching our breath.  Many days Kevin and I look at each other and say, "Where are we?"  It's like in the midst of a storm we've plopped ourselves down in a foreign spot to call home.  It will be nice to meet a few people to call friends but for the time being, I'm a little quiet and I'm okay with that.  My heart needs a little extra protection these days.  It's fragile.

I've been concerned that my heartache will effect our little bloom but I'm finding that if anything, she lifts it from me.  She is a constant reminder that life is so SO beautiful, even amidst the ache of loss.  She refocuses me on our family.  That is a good thing.  And I'm happy to report, our little bloom is flourishing.  She has grown so much and is talking a ton.  She loves reading, Olivia the piglet, her wooden puzzles, her favorite word "baby"-we hear it all day long.  She blows kisses to nearly everyone, is excited to wave Hi! to new people and is quick to giggle.  We feel so blessed to be her parents although, we are still often sleep deprived.  I'm afraid to jinx it but this week-she slept until 6am nearly every day.  That alone, is life-changing, bliss.

Right now we are exploring our new city, taking naps and trying so many new restaurants.  My jeans are getting a bit tight.  It's a good thing I found a pilates instructor.  Chloe and I go walking often but It's that mid-week workout that is gonna keep me in check.  Thank goodness. 

We've also been lucky enough to have lots of visitors.  (Photos coming soon)  It is wonderful to have friends and family here with us, we feel very loved.  Right now, my sweet little bro is with us.  He is such a great uncle.  We are so happy he is here.

Well, pretty random post.  But, isn't that how life is? 

So, here I am, just a girl, trying to find her balance.   
How do you find yours?  Any tips?