H is for Health. And Hooray!

Hello faithful 9 followers!

I haven't forgotten about you.  Thank you for standing by while I iron out this new season.  After 10 weeks of (all day) morning sickness followed up by a cold and allergy attack for another 12 days, I've been just barely getting by.  Now that the yucks have mostly retreated, I'm vowing to not take for grated my health.  Something I am so, beyond words, thankful to have restored.

My little family is probably even more happy to have me back.  Let's just say, I was a grump.  And then got cranky about not feeling well and then was so disappointed that I wasn't able to be the same cheerful mama and wife I'd like to be.  It was a vicious cycle that I'm happy to leave behind.  I am so thankful to my husband for the constant support, extra rest time and reminders that I will feel better.  I was starting to think I would be in a constant state of yuck.

I was so caught off guard with the morning sickness.  With Chloe I felt fantastic from day one, tired in the beginning but fantastic.  The start to this pregnancy was a humbling experience.  Which makes me wonder, could baby #2 be a boy?  We will see.

Let's say I'm finding silver linings everywhere, now that I've mended.  I forgot I was a optimistic person even.  Hooray for health!

And today I celebrated with an extra pick me up, a hair cut.  Nothing makes me feel more like a new woman than a fresh cut & color.  Not to mention, the time to just sit and have someone take care of you.  It feels like a mini vacation, really.

Also, exciting news...we find out this sweet baby's gender very soon.  I can't wait to know more about who this little, growing babe is.  I'm feeling more movement all the time.  Which is so exciting.  Any gender guesses?

Blah.

One ugly case of the stomach flu came to visit last week.   And really overstayed it's welcome.  Our poor little lady was sick all week.  I mean really flu sick.  I only had it for two days, Kevin made it out unscathed, thanks goodness.  He took such good care of us.

There has been a lot of cleaning, laundry and movie watching going on around here.  Today it feel so good to be getting back to healthy.  Now while Kevin and the little lady nap, I'm finishing up some cleaning (and blog reading) with the fresh air moving through our patio door.  OUT stale air, OUT!  Though I'm so thankful for the modern convenience of air conditioning, it's just not the same as fresh air.  But I remind myself that my grandmother lived in Phoenix back in the 40's and I'm reminded that stale air might be a great option to roasting.  After one Arizonian summer she demanded that my grandfather find a new job.  Oh and she also washed diapers and all laundry by hand,  for three of five children.  So, I've really got it easy.

I'm looking forward to a few activities this week.  Messy Toddler Art class at the city building, a little time to visit with our church friends at MOPS, a playdate I'm hosting with a new friend for our moms group and getting our suitcases packed.  We visit to see my sister in Portland next week.  I'm so excited, I can hardly sit still!

I'll have some fun photos for you soon.  This week we put the camera away and snuggled, slept & vegged. 

I hope your week was healthy & fun!

Overdone.

I do this so often. I feel my body begging to slow down, yet I don't heed it's warning until, it stops me in my tracks. Yep, sick (again).  I seem to be coming to the same conclusion; I'm overdone and not listening the way I ought to.

I set foot in Urgent Care Wednesday morning, I distracted our bloom for well over 30 minutes in the waiting room, was brought to the exam room where I entertained for another 30 minutes, the doctor came in for 5 minutes and I left with 2 prescriptions. Cough suppressant for Bronchitis, so I can sleep at night and a cream for a stress related rash I'm developing on my legs. My body is trying to tell me something here. SLOW DOWN.

I don't want to moan, gripe or whine. Okay, I do, but I'm trying to use this as insight to make some changes. I've been sick at least once a month for months now, pretty abnormal for me. And because I like to seek opportunities to look at my life more closely; I've realized that I need to switch some things up.  Apparently, grief, combined with stress and lack of sleep, wear the body down, did you know this?  I kid.

So, here we are and today.

I'm glad I had this girl to snuggle all day.

 I hit RESET.

As a result:
I did no laundry.
Went to the library for a mere 45 minutes.  Books for the babe.
We ate leftovers for lunch and dinner.
And I went to bed right after dinner (at 6pm). Thus, I'm awake again now at midnight. (After 6 hours rest.)
The lack of momentum today actually felt good.  I had a revelation that, it does no one any good for me to over do it and be sick.  Lesson learned.  I hope.

What do you do to keep your life, body and mind in balance?  I love suggestions.

Jannelle Lyn Bergman, my momma.

"Feet, what do I need them for, when I have wings to fly?"-Frida Kahlo

My mom's Obituary reads;
JANELLE LYN BERGMAN (DAWES) 59, of Temecula, passed away Monday morning. A Temecula native, Janelle was born July 3rd, 1952 to Robert Dawes and Connie Slaughter at Fallbrook Hospital. She grew up in Temecula when the town population was a friendly 200. Her parents owned and operated the first restaurant in Old Town, The Rite Spot, on the corner of Front and Main Streets and the B-Bar-H Cafe. Janelle attended Temecula Union School and Elsinore Union High School, class of 1970.

In 1976 she moved to Portland, Oregon where she attended Multnomah School of the Bible and traveled to Israel, Egypt, Jordan and surrounding areas. While in Oregon, she met her first husband and gave birth to her two daughters, Lisa Marie Locklin and Sara Elizabeth Bergman. In 1984, she returned to her hometown of Temecula.

1987 was a pivotal year for Janelle. Her son, Aaron Joseph Bergman, was born and she began her twenty-year career as a Jazzercise instructor. Janelle founded the local Temecula branch of Jazzercise and attracted a crowd that grew to be hundreds of students and lifelong friends. She was a driven entrepreneur who loved to dance, foster community and teach the principles of health, movement, and the importance of having fun. After a seven year struggle with cancer, Janelle passed peacefully in her home on October 31st, 2011.

Janelle's family includes her three children: son AJ Bergman of Temecula; daughter Sara Bergman of Oakland; daughter Lisa Locklin, son-in-law Kevin Locklin, and granddaughter Chloe Locklin of Phoenix; husband Peter Poole of Temecula and his three children; mother Connie Slaughter of Temecula; step-father Frank Slaughter of Temecula; sister Denice Enochs of Wildomar; brother Steven Slaughter of Temecula; brother Eric Slaughter of Murrieta and his family. She is preceded in death by her father Robert Dawes and brother Bobby Dawes.

Services will be held at 11am on Sunday, November 13th at the Temecula Cemetery. Contributions can be made to : Hospice of the Valley 25240 Hancock Ave #120, Murrieta, CA 92562-5991 (951) 200-7800

Service was held the morning of November 13th.  It was a beautiful sunny fall day. We opened with,

The Prayer of Saint Francis
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.

My mom's Eulogy;
Janelle was born July 3rd, 1952 to Robert Dawes and Connie Slaughter. She grew up here in Temecula and spent her early years close with her older sister Denice at their parents’ restaurant, The Rite Spot. Janelle also spent much time with her beloved Grandma Bertie. She attended Temecula Union Elementary and then Elsinore Union High School, where she was a cheerleader for both the high school sports teams and her boyfriend Louie’s band, December’s Children. One of her favorite memories was of late nights dancing in Elsinore at the Lakeview Hotel with her dear Louie. She also fell in love with the ocean at an early age, listening to the waves in Oceanside, where she would return for peace throughout her life.

In 1971 she moved to Portland, Oregon where she attended Multnomah School of the Bible. Janelle traveled to Israel, Egypt, Jordan and surrounding areas. On an archaeological dig in Beersheba, Israel, she uncovered an amphora jug that provided a historical link of trading in the Middle East. Janelle also worked at Youth for Christ as a counselor and really found herself in the work of guiding and advising youth. While in Portland, she met her first husband, Bruce Bergman, and spent much time with his family out at their farm in rural Oregon. There they picked berries, played games and read books next to the wood stove; Janelle content with her new big family. In Portland, Janelle and Bruce bought their first home where they welcomed their daughter, Lisa Marie. Years later, they dreamt of a community farm in Ashland where they purchased land overlooking Immigrant Lake and had their second daughter, Sara Elizabeth.

In 1984, Janelle, Bruce and their two daughters returned to Janelle’s hometown of Temecula, where a few years later her son, Aaron Joseph, was born, 10lbs. 6oz. worth waiting for. After AJ’s birth, she then began her twenty-year career as a Jazzercise instructor. Janelle founded the local Temecula branch of Jazzercise and attracted a crowd that grew to be hundreds of students and lifelong friends. She was a driven entrepreneur who loved to dance, foster community and teach the principles of health, movement, and the importance of having fun.

In the early 1990’s, Janelle and Bruce separated. Janelle worked very hard as a single mother, and always cultivated a warm home with an open door for all friends and family. She obtained her license as a massage therapist and felt invigorated by her work at the Murrieta Day Spa. Once again, Janelle found herself in this work of serving others. During this time, Janelle met her second husband, Peter Poole. The two found companionship working together at Mount Palomar Winery, traveling to Europe, and hosting dinner parties with their friends. With Peter, she enjoyed the company of his children and visiting his grandchildren, Poppy and Leo, on the Oregon coast.

Shortly thereafter, Janelle was first diagnosed with breast cancer. Throughout numerous diagnoses and treatments, she showed a strength of spirit and will to live that astounded even her doctors. While her illness compromised much of her physical ability, she enjoyed spending Saturdays giggling with her sister Denice, late-night apple pies with her brother Steve, and long philosophical conversations with her brother Eric. The family dogs, Shorty, Biggie and Rita, were among Janelle’s favorite characters, and always kept her feet warm. Just last year, her rambunctious little granddaughter, Chloe Elizabeth, was born to her daughter Lisa and son-in-law Kevin. Through her last days, Chloe provided her with immense joy and belly-aching laughter.

After a seven-year struggle with cancer, Janelle passed peacefully in her home on the morning of Monday October 31st, 2011.

Closing with, Hopi Prayer:

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there, I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glint on snow
I am the sunLight on the ripened grain
I am the gently falling autumn rain

When you wake in the morning hush
I am the swift upLighting rush
of quiet birds in circling flight
I am the soft starLight at night
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there, I do not sleep.
... 

I am so thankful that she was my mother.  I've mentioned this before but it will forever be fitting;
"I love my mother as the trees love water and sunshine - she helps me grow, prosper, and reach great heights." -Terri Guillemets.  She is continuing to help me grow daily.

Mama.

Yesterday morning, October 31, while the moon was still out, my dear sweet Mama took her last breath.  I was able to be there with her in the early hours following, when hearing is still present.  I will feel forever blessed to have that time with her to say goodbye.  I haven't words to describe the day as the moments are too fresh, personal and raw to be written about publicly.  She has impacted my life beyond measure and her absence in every moment is palpable.

The outpouring of kindness from loved ones is felt throughout our family.  Thank you for your kind words, flowers and meals.  We so appreciate the extra nourishment on every level.

My beautiful Mama on Mother's Day 2011.

Time.

Time keeps ticking away.  I'm wanting it to hold still in so many moments lately.  Like last week when my mom and I had a really good giggle.  Mostly about nothing, those are the best kind of laughs.  The ones really only you two get.  I guess that is the kind of intimacy that grows after thirty years together.

Not every moment this week has been sweet, there has been a lot of ache.  I find it most often at the end of the day.  Dinner time comes, I miss our usual huge family meals together and I lay down to bed wondering what the passing time through the night brings.  I'm unsure what exactly to pray for.  Most nights I pray for peace.  Also strength, wisdom, the ability to keep patience while caring for Chloe amidst emotional and physical exhaustion.  We are slowing the flow of visitors as my mom is weakening and sleeping more.  We are unsure what each day may hold. There is an unusual quiet in the house.

Kevin went home tonight.  A quick turn around for him after being in town with us for only a day and a half.  I was so glad he came.  My heart felt right again having him beside me.  It will be an adjustment period again as he returns to work and we try to settle into any sort of routine.  We spent a little time away from the house today, just us three and it almost felt normal.  Except for a nagging weight in the air.  Man, how do those feelings follow you wherever you go?  We know the potential loss of my mom runs deep through every thread of our family.  We are holding onto each other extra tight these days.  Thank goodness for the most supportive In-Law's ever.  Chloe and I (and a few friends) have been staying with them for over a week now.  I don't think we've eaten this well in years.  We feel so blessed to have them for so many reasons. 

Home with colds, 1987ish.

Most days lately we are just like this again.  All three of us take turns snuggling with my mom in her tiny twin hospital bed, most days we are still in our pj's too.  We certainly wish it were the old days, where we were all home sick with a colds, beneath my parents vintage sheets instead.  But there is love in every ounce of togetherness.  I tell you my siblings and Step Dad are outstanding care takers sleeping beside my moms bed throughout the night.  I'm sure even with Chloe's nightly feeding(s) that I'm getting more rest than them.  I'm not sure how they are holding up so well.  They are pure gold.

Now, onto sleep.

"Mascara is for the brave." -Unknown

Last Saturday, we made our way to Arizona, plopped ourselves down at one beautiful but oh so, SO loud Hyatt.  4 days later after one extensive housing hunt we drove right on back to California.  We did find a perfect little apartment and move in, in about 3 weeks.  But that isn't the important part.  I've been absent from blogging on so many events lately including our little bloom's first birthday celebration.  We are living out of suitcases, without my trusty laptop and all my precious photos at hand.  I have so many words spilling over in my head and heart but a momentous amount of exhaustion is keeping me from clarity or doing more than the basics these days.  I'm lucky if I get a shower and a 4 hour stretch of sleep.  Some babies take a lot longer to sleep through the night I suppose? 

Last Tuesday we signed our rental application, made our deposit and sat down at our new local pizza place to celebrate.  My phone rang and the sound in my sisters voice said, "Uhh, I'm not sure I'm ready for this."  I stepped out of the noisy restaurant to listen.  It was the call you never want to get, the come home, things are getting rough call.  In more or less words, it was time for us to come be with my mom.  We arrived to my mom's house the next day.  The moment we arrived I knew that was exactly where I should be.  But, man I am I struggling.

I find myself in such unfamiliar waters with the woman I know the most in life.  And I'm unable to do anything but sit and be.  (That is when I'm not chasing around my sweet little bloom.)  Thanks to wonderful in-laws and family I've been able to sneak lots of time to sit and tell my mom some of what is in my heart.  Though It's hard to come up with the words to convey.  I'm doing my best though.

She is an extraordinary woman.  Amidst so much pain and challenge especially these last 8 years of cancer treatment she continues to be a woman of  pure compassion to everyone around her.  She is having difficulty speaking but is such a musical soul that song lyrics keep popping up during our visits.  Yesterday between napping and a long stretch of quiet time together, she softly sang, " This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine.", then her voice got quiet but I helped her finish off the song.  It was such a telling moment of her.  Her light shines so bright.

Kevin drove back to Arizona yesterday as his new job begin today.  I wish him so much luck but miss him immensely already.  Chloe and I will be here as long as week need to be.  Hospice will be back tomorrow to check-in and see how every one is doing and provide care.  So, here we've been, me, Chloe, my precious siblings, step-dad and few dear others huddled around the kitchen and her bed, caring for her and soaking up precious time.

I was able to take a few moments this afternoon and shower(thank heavens), eat a couple (tiny) chocolate cookies and share with you, my 8 blog readers.  Can I ask a favor?  Hold my family close in your heart and prayers.  We can use all the support we can get these days.

Sweet Momsy.

I am so tired but have so much on my mind.  Life has been busy lately.  Busy changing.  I haven't updated about my mom in a while and thought I should share.  She continues to face challenges following her brain radiation in July.  The doctors expected some memory lapse, weakness, fatigue, and added medications to deal with side effects and keep edema down.  My sweet Momma is dealing with all of those and many more challenges on top of them. 

During a recent Dr. visit the recommendation based on her scans and pathology reports was more chemotherapy.  If she continued with the recommended treatment plan, this would be her 4 time with the whole regime.  And let's just say, for the record, that chemotherapy transfusion is pretty intense.  At this time we know the doctors recommendations are to prolong my moms life but we are pretty certain treatment right now that it will not enhance it.  We are looking into opportunities to enhance her life, keep her pain at bay and spend lots of loving time together.  None of us know what tomorrow holds, today is something to cherish.  Tomorrow, Chloe and I will travel to Temecula to spend a few days soaking up time with Gramsy. 

Keep your prayers and loving peaceful thoughts coming her way.  Our family so appreciates them. 

And just because, it made me smile and because tomorrow is Becky's birthday.  Happy Birthday Becky!   I had to share this adorable picture of my mom and her friend Becky back in their Bible College days.  These two have been friends since the 70's and have shared a bond that keeps going deeper.  There is nothing like true friends.  Aren't their smiles just radiant?  Still are.

My Mom (left) and dear friend Becky Fiebach back in the 70's.

Peace.

Moments like this one make me want her to be small forever.  There is something so pure and precious about a peaceful sleeping babe.

She wants me to be holding her while she naps in the morning.  As much as I'd like to get something done during that time, I instead have decided to soak up the time I get to hold her while she sleeps.  My arms get tired but by next month she will be turning ONE and pouf there she travels into Toddlerhood and she won't want me to hold her forever.  Where did the last 11 months go?  Everyone says that but it really is true.

Today was particularly challenging.  Baby girl is recovering from her first ear infection (milestone?).  The antibiotic has her feeling sick to her stomach and particularly fussy.  So naptime today was extra cherished.  It gave us both time to recharge.

Tonight after yoga I'm reminded I am at peace, all is well.

May I (and you) sleep this peacefully too.

A Special Celebration.

Wish.

A week ago my Mom completed her radiation treatment.  Yep, my sweet mama, she just can't catch a break.  A new batch of tumors have popped up and the doctors recommended radiation to zap those suckers.  The treatments are quick but cause a range of challenges...nausea, memory loss, swelling, seizures...if only I could wrap her up in a soft, warm bubble and keep all this pain away.  For now, we pray, help her heal, rest and cherish time together.

On treatment completion day, my sister, brother and good friend Cecilia cooked up a delicious feast and one tasty cookie pie to celebrate.  Meanwhile, Chloe entertained the bunch and I gave my mom a foot massage.  It was the perfect end to a rigorous couple weeks.

Our feast.

One glowing Gramsy.

Momsy, we sure love you.  Your kind, loving, brave heart is glows amidst such trials.  You make me so proud to call you Mom.

And a few weeks back...

...we celebrated 4 years of marriage.  Totally not a blogging after thought, I just hadn't uploaded our celebration picture.  A picture-less post, so boring.  We've been side-by-side through some roller coaster life challenges and joys together.  It shows me everyday that marrying my best friend was the best choice I ever made.  Seeing him as a father only reaffirms that.  Having him in my life, makes each day feel extraordinary.

During our anniversary day I thought back to the year before.  We celebrated our anniversary on Thursday the 24th and realized it would be our last one as a twosome.  It was fun to imagine how life would change in a few short months.  On Friday the 25th last year, we received Kevin's, scary, never-wanna-hear, "you have cancer" diagnosis.  I can still feel the moment: us holding clammy hands in the doctors office. Our eyes welled up with tears and we both looked down at my watermelon sized pregnant belly.  (I remember feeling our babe kick extra hard throughout our appointment.  It was like she was saying, "Hey, I'm here!  It's gonna be okay.") Then Kevin's operation was 3 days later, followed by months of blood draws, injections, and Chemotherapy.  Not to mention both both our parents having cancer treatments and surgeries at the same time.  To think back it still feels surreal.

We talked this weekend about how much changed in our lives during those months of treatment.  The months we spent together right before Chloe was born were so challenging both physically and emotionally.  But they bonded us in ways we hadn't imagined.

We have so many reasons to celebrate this year.  For better or worse, in sickness and in health, we have each other to have and to hold.  Cheers to love and health!

On our way to dinner at Tantalum.  Yum!