On July 3rd, 2012 my sweet Mama would have turned 60 years old.  We gathered together that day to remember her beauty, her life and to say goodbye.  I'm sure I'll be saying goodbye for a while still. 

In the warm summer sunshine on her birthday we let her ashes drift with the wind high in the hilltops of her hometown.  It was a sacred time I will always remember.  Always filled with the scent of lavender, roses, tears.

As I gazed at those same hills a few days later, I could feel her smile upon me through the granite rocks, sage and scratchy brush landscape.

Oh! My Mama. Alela Diane.

Kind.

My heart felt a lot of ache today.  After an eventful weekend of exploration with friends, the lull of a quiet Monday gave me a lot of time to think.  Too much time to think.  sigh.  I'm finding distractions so necessary right now.  Hello, Pinterest!  I felt like the slightest thing would send me sobbing.  Don't worry, I turned the station away from country music today.  I've realized I need to clear more of my time, and find what makes my heart content for right now.  For me, grief feels like coming through a terrible accident, alive but forever changed (and a bit traumatized).  

My mom's passing was so intimate and I'm not sure how to work through the memories that come back to me at the most unexpected times.  A dear friend told me that, grief triggers are found in the most mundane places.  Boy, was she ever right.  I doesn't help that I have bits and pieces of my moms belongings all over my home now.  I love seeing them but it feels so strange to own her things.  The necklace I gave her for Mother's Day one year, hanging in my room, feels so misplaced.  I remember shopping for just the right thing to make her feel sparkly, amidst chemotherapy.

I knew it was a delicate day so, I decided it was best spent snuggling my beautiful bloom on the sofa during nap time (one of my favorite places to be, I'm so blessed), cleaning the kitchen (I love a clean kitchen), then running a few short errands.  I'm coming down with a cold.  I needed vitamins and herbs to kick it fast.  Whole Foods never disappoints.  That store just makes me happy.

When I am having those delicate days, hours or moments I'm trying to stop and think about what my mom would say to me and how she would comfort me.  It helps me to know I can still feel her love, even if it's not the way is was before.  I'm constantly hearing her say, "Be kind to yourself."  Moms always know the right words.  Or at least those of us lucky enough to have moms like mine.  I'm gonna keep listening.  Hopefully her words will settle into that deep part in my heart. 

Be Kind Print. My Little Buffalo-etsy

Salty air.

She is in love with Uncle AJ,it's pretty darling.

While on my quick and exhausting trip to California, I was lucky enough to grab an afternoon to spend with a few of my favorite people.  It was a great way to end the day, relaxing with my little brother, dear friend and little bloom.  There is something about that salty air that puts me in a trance.  I just can't get enough.

It was extra sentimental to visit this, our childhood beach.  It was my mom's favorite place to take us kids any free moment we had, she'd pile us all in the car and we'd drive down to Oceanside.  Also, the beach she visited as a child.  We'd return home a little sunburnt (from refusing to reapply sunscreen), covered in sand and with bags of seashells.  Those were some great days.

And lucky for me, my dear friend Roxana photographed the day for us.  She caught some amazing moments for us to savor.  Thank you, Lump!  (That's our nickname for each other, it's a long story.)

All you need is love.

Our Valentine's Day this year was memorable.  We had a park playdate with a new mommy group.  A super nice group of moms and their babies.   I have a feeling we will become fast friends.  Such a nice feeling.  I barely made it there- I had this sick, sad, loss, pit-in-my stomach sort of morning.  The kind of start to the day when I realize, ugh! my mom is gone.  And I was concerned that someone might say just the thing to send me to tears.  I didn't want to have a vulnerable first impression.

My mom was a big celebrator.  Not a holiday or special day passed without big mention, spoiling with treats and of course handmade greeting cards.  So, holidays have a bittersweet memory of what's been lost.  Se left behind beautiful memories to cherish for years to come.  I tell you, they are countless.  That must mean I've been really blessed. 

We spent the day outdoors and then celebrated in the evening when Kevin arrived home with gelato, flowers and a bubble maker for Chloe.  Does he know us or what?  After a heart-shaped pizza, red wine and gelato,  I was feeling so content with my life, even it's sad times.  Because I know, I have more love than any girl could ask for.  And really, that's all you need.

Tulips. a favorite, for sure.

This expression melts me.

Remembering two very special women.  My mom and her friend (my second mom) Madalene who passed away February 15th of 2006.  They are now together again.

Remembering my first Valentine, my beautiful mama.

Remembering Madalene Pocoroba, my dear other mom.

In route.

This is my first mobile post. I guess we'll see how it goes. We are in route to Temecula, my stomach in knots. I'm so thankful for the company of Kevin's parents and our bloom, of course. We are making the trek from Phoenix. The miles in between are enough I hope, to let go of the anticipation.

I don't know what it feels like to go home, to where my mom once lived. Walking through the front door feels like the hardest step. To not be greeted by her hello, embrace or incessant giggles when she sees Chloe's face.

I told Kevin last night that I feel too young to be doing this. Going home to sort through my mom's belongings. Even though I'm thirty years old, I don't feel ready for this journey. I suppose you never are.

For now I'll enjoy the backseat view of the of the dry, brittle desert and clear blue sky.

If you are reading this, can you say a little prayer for me?