Our sweet, Remy Mae.

Yesterday our tiniest turned ONE.  And over the last year we've been learning about life with two. And I've decided that there isn't a way to balance it all, but you just do the best you can.  Then when you make mistakes you dust yourself off and try the best you can, again.  It's been a beautiful, challenging, learning, heart-opening, sleepless and giggle-inducing year. 

I've been away from my blog mostly because I haven't worked out my timing to get everyone napping at the same time.  Or when they are I'm hustling around the house to tidy up or sitting down with a glass of wine once everyone is in bed.  But, I tell you, babies, I love them.  It's pretty heartbreaking that the newborn stage is over, we officially as of August 1st have a walker.  And as of today, she is climbing everything.  Let's just say she's been keeping me on my toes.  

Our Remy Mae, you have such a sweet nature and calm presence.  Your once chocolate colored hair is now light, long and wispy.  Your puckered lips are beginning to make the funniest expressions as you learn new sounds. Your favorite place to be is in my arms. While from time to time, it's worn me out; but I can't tell you how sweet it is to feel so utterly loved by you.  

You think your big sister is the funniest person around and you enjoy having her entertain you with her exuberance.  It's so fun to watch your sister relationship develop and I was so proud today as Chloe called you her best friend.  If there is anything I know about sisterhood, it is that the bond is so deep.  (For the record, brothers are pretty great ,too.) You are showing so much affection toward daddy as the months go on.  You crawl across the house and squeal with delight when he comes home at the end of the day and you are so happy when he dances with you in the kitchen.  And if anyone can get you to eat your veggies it's daddy.  He knows all the funny sounds and silly faces that get  you interested in exactly what we've dished up for dinner.  

You've gone from a sleepy newborn to a curious toddler and frankly, the cliche is true, I'm not quite sure where the time went.  But, I'm making a vow: to slow down, savor the moments and to not think too much and simply embrace life as it unfolds.  (And to blog more.)  

It's a joy to be your Mama and a gift to call you my daughter.       

And I'm learning.

If there is anything I've learned about grief, is that it's not linear.

Days, weeks and now years pass by. People say time heals, I think they mean you adapt.  I'm not certain it is easier.  I still long daily to call my mom, to share the latest baby milestone that only a mother could appreciate, to tell her a funny story, to ask about how to make that spanish casserole we always enjoyed.  To hear her advice, or simply to get that reassuring voice on the phone, "Hi sweetie" she'd say, and somehow the day would be easier, because the one you always went to when you needed something was there.  Just her listening to you tell your story lightened your load.

I'm learning to adapt, to not crumble at parties, showers and big celebrations when people introduce me to 'their mother'.  Sometimes those words make my throat tight and my knees wobbly, but I'm learning to hide it.  To simply smile and embrace the moment they are having together as something they may not completely grasp for years to come.  The simple times together and the huge grand celebrations together.  Because I think I began grieving parts of our relationship for years before she passed.  I think she did, too.  It was a funny unspoken understanding between us.  I described our daughters nursery in great detail because she could no longer climb stairs to see how I placed everything just so and she poured her love over in words because she was unable to lift and hold and rock my first baby girl how she longed to. And we both sighed inside at the way we thought (and prayed) it would be different.

I share because it helps me, to move forward, to understand, to get out what I'm feeling.  And perhaps learn that I'm not alone.

And I'm learning, there is nothing linear about the heart.  It feels and remembers on it's own time. These pings on my heart are reminders of cherished times and glimpses of the true importance of life.  Each-other.

My hippie mama, I love you so. And each day I'm a mother I am more aware of your love for me. What a beautiful gift that is.

Ordinary Days.

So much to say, so little time for blogging.  With time I'll carve out a few more hours or maybe even a hour in the week to have to myself.  To work on things other than laundry and housework.  To create, to capture memories in the mostly blank baby books that sit on my desk and to pour over and organize the thousands of photos we have taken of our little girls.  Until then, I'm doing my best each day to savor the wild moments that make up our days.  The times when I feel like I can't catch my breath because caring for little ones demands a lot of attentiveness and action.  And I'm learning how to allow myself to say no to things that pull me from these dear tasks.

I know much love is shared in the moments no one talks about, the hair brushing, cup pouring, hand holding moments that children don't really remember.  But they do remember the care behind those moments.  The attitude in which I help, care for and answer to their needs.  If you catch me first thing in the morning, those responses are slow, snappy and tired...I'm learning to allow myself grace in those moments and simply the presence to recognize and the drive to simply start over.  Because not just each day is new, but each moment.

Days at home.

The days are priceless and I'm fond of a simple routine and mostly quiet days at home.  What do we do all day?  We wake (with the sun), we rock, we nurse, we sip coffee (usually cold), we craft,  we paint, we diaper, we make mud pies, we read, we nurse, we diaper, we bathe, we hush, we soothe, we cook, we (sometimes) get dressed, we nap, we walk, we call daddy at work, we rock, we play at the park, we nurse again, we diaper, we launder a whole lot, occasionally we playdate, 

but more often than not, the day stretches out so quickly that the sun is falling down behind the granite hills and we slip into dinner, bath and bedtime and we hope to sleep, oh dear sweet, precious sleep. These days we are lucky if one or both girls sleeps for a few consecutive hours.  Growth spurts? Whether or not, this is what we do...and each of these simple days I cherish.

At home.

On occasion I can coax Chloe out of her pink kitty nightgown.  I swiftly launder it to be worn immediately after leaving the dryer.  Though she's not attached to a favorite blanket or plush toy, this might be the closest thing to it.  The best $12 I've spent.  Thank you, Target.  

My heart is swelling daily, watching my girls develop the bond of sisterhood.  It's something I know to be invaluable in my life.

Me and the girls.

My first day at home with two.  Kevin is now self employed so, he returned to work the following Monday after Remy was born.  To be honest, I had no time for the apprehension to build.  We just dove into daily postpartum life of rest, recovery and how do I juggle two babies at once.  In these early days I'm most thankful for growing patience, prayer, plentiful food and let's be really honest moments when no one is crying.  Because oh those hormones, and adjustments can be a beast some days. Breath in, breath out.    

 

Our Girls.

Chloe a few weeks shy of 3 years and one week old Remy.

 

Coming home.

After one night hospital stay we drove home and snuck in the front door and I could hear the last words of my dad reading Chloe a bedtime story.  I walked upstairs and peeked my head in to see Chloe sleeping soundly.  I'm pretty certain our heads hit the pillow within minutes of arriving home.  A few hours later Remy woke in a loud cry and I heard Chloe's feet hit the floor running.  Upon entering our room she squealed, "Mommy, there is a baby in here!"  Kevin and I couldn't stop giggling about her reaction.  I think we were pretty delirious too.  We spent the next 3 hours huddled together. Chloe checking out her tiny fingers, her teeny toes and talking a mile a minute about her baby sister.

In the days that followed she would proudly announce to each visitor who came, "Here is our baby!".  And inside my heart swelled to ridiculous proportions.

And they became sisters.

Everything people say is true, seeing my girls meet for the first time was a new kind of joy.  Chloe's quiet, calm entrance to our birth room made me realize she knew what a big moment this was.  And then she climbed into my lap and I felt at home again.  Us four all together.

Welcome, Remy Mae.

On Monday, August 12 at 4:04am our littlest daughter was born.  With a squeal she was placed on my chest and took her first breaths while I held her in my arms.  It was just as I had dreamed it would happen.  Weighing 7lb. 6oz. and stretching out at 19 1/12 inches, her tiny body was pink, healthy and strong.

After a couple days of prodromal labor and 22 hours of "real" labor, her arrival, as I announced was "sweet relief" and so much more, that I don't even have words for.  She was born with a full head of dark hair, just as I did had when I was born.

We named her Remy Mae.  Remy- French (like Chloe) and Mae, with the relation to spring and all things growing.  And now, we have two little french flowers.  TWO as in-we. have. kids.  Every time I say, "the girls", it blows my mind.

Three months (gulp) have now passed.  I better get back to blogging so we can document such sweet time.  We've been savoring it and surviving it, day-by-day, often hour-by-hour. Postpartum recovery, around the clock nursing and a very active toddler.  Oh boy, sometimes I (we) really feel in over our heads.  But really, no one prepares you for the amount of love you feel for your babies.  It's extraordinary.  I can't keep myself from snuggling her, closing my eyes tight and wishing I could make time stand still.

So with a long overdue post, welcome to the beautiful world my dear Remy.  You've already have captured our hearts.

(For those who were following my birthing journey, yes, I was able to VBAC.  With the help of supportive doctors, the encouragement of my sweet doula and the dearest husband who coached me through labor.  I was so encouraged and best of all, I got to hold her within seconds of being born.  The best reward ever.)

It's a GIRL!

Yesterday's ultrasound revealed a healthy baby girl. Chloe is thrilled to be getting the little sister she's been requesting from day one.  It was so fun to share the reveal moment as a little family at the doctors office yesterday. Watching little limbs move back and forth on the monitor and listen to that beautiful strong heartbeat. That is the part that gets me a bit misty every time. Mr. Locklin might have been a bit misty, too. What can we say, we love these girls.  It's exciting to think that come August we will have a pair of sisters.  Yay!

Votes are in.

Between our blog and facebook polls we have a tally of Boy: 18. Girl: 7
(there is still time to get your vote in-poll in the right margin)

Chloe is certain she wants a baby sister.
Great Grandma Mana insists it's a boy.
I'm so excited and curious to know more about this little growing soul.

Can I just say maternity jeans are the best ever invention?

Baby on the way, August 2013!

A few weeks before Christmas our prayers were answered, with confirmation that we have another little one on the way this year.  We kept our lips tightly sealed so we could reveal the news to our families on Christmas day.  When our parents unwrapped this photo of the three (four) of us.  It was a sweet moment filled with cheers and tears by all of us.  (Quietly, in my heart, I yearned for my mom to be there.)

Nausea kicked in full gear a few days after Christmas and we've been just doing our best to rest and wait out the first trimester.  I was totally caught off guard because I don't remember having a moment of sickness with Chloe.  This time it's a whole other story.  But, I'll save you my woes,  I get just too whiny when I think about it.  And let's face it, I can't think of a single reason to complain about and beautiful new soul entering our lives.

Here we are now, week 16 and I'm slowing coming out of hibernation.  Feeling stronger and more excited by the day.  As cheesy as it sounds, my heart seriously swells at the thought of holding another little love in my arms.

Photographs my Lisa Lytton Photography.

In the meantime.

I'm sure I'll be back in a blogging rhythm again soon.  But I do still visit most days to see what my favorite bloggers are inspired by or saying.  Kelle Hampton's blog is one of my very favorites.  She is an amazing writer, photographer and her inspiring theme to enjoy the small things is such a  perspective I appreciate and hold dear.  Kelle will be having another baby in days (yay!) and today's guest post from writer Claire Bidwell Smith.  It spoke right to my heart.  It's uncanny how she put words to the emotions that have been ebbing and flowing through me.

Finding My Mother by Claire Bidwell Smith

In the meantime, I'm looking for inspiration to post.  I'll be back soon.  Please don't give up on me.  (wink)

She's Two!

It was two years ago, right now, that I was laboring with our little bloom.  All. through. the. night.  It's cliche, but it's hard to imagine that two years have passed so quickly.  That September day, when we welcomed our beautiful daughter into the world, will forever be, the most magical.  Her sparkle lights up each day. 

Tomorrow, when we wake up, another year will have passed.  I hope I am holding these moments, days, weeks vividly in my mind.  I want to always remember them.   

Okay, but maybe we can forget the very tired two-year-old moment this afternoon.  It wasn't our finest hour, or two.

We love you, Chloe Elizabeth!  (She's reading already.  wink.)

On her birthday.  September 21, 2010

One year old.

Two years.

Almost two.

I love this little lady to pieces, but boy oh boy is the sass coming out these days.  I feel my patience being stretched and stretched and stretched some more.  I always cringe at the term "terrible two's" it just sounds so, I don't know, simplified and not nice.  But currently I'm embracing the thought that others must have been right where I am, to have coined such a phrase.  Man, I feel lost and exasperated often.  But mostly because I don't know how to direct this little lady when her emotions flair.  I'm gonna start with taking a deep breath, look into those pretty blue eyes and remember that "this too shall pass".  Thank you, Sis for the pep talk.  Yesterday and today. 

And in the next breath, this age is adorable, silly and so many new phrases are being said.  Hide and go seek in our pantry is a favorite lately.  I had to get some photos of her in action.  I'm trying to nurture her curiosity and remember that her energy is a sign of health.  I am so deeply thankful for that.  Goal for the week: keep perspective. 

Hello out there.

It looks like a tornado or the Clonado may have blown through our house this week.  But really it's just business as usual.  Packing and repacking suitcases, with lots of laundry in between.  We leave tomorrow for Coeur d' Alene, Idaho.  We've never been but from what I hear it is a breathtaking spot surrounded by dozens of lakes.  Lush land, blue water and perfect summer weather.  I'm feeling giddy!  Now, just gotta get those suitcases packed.  

I have a question for you mom's out there.  Being a mama is always what I've envisioned for my life and I love it.  But how do you pour your heart and energy into these little lives everyday and not feel depleted sometimes?  Energetically, that is.  I looking for ways to rework and simplify to feel more vital.  Is there a trick I'm missing?  Oh, I have so many questions I wish I had asked my mom.  But, I'll save those thoughts for another day.  What do you do to fill your cup so you can continue to give as a mother and wife?  And to yourself. 

Today I had moment of reflection (after stepping on the scale, yuck!) I've realized I've got to make some changes.  Not just for vanity but for health.  Step one, vacation- relax away stress.  Step two- get moving.  Step three-pull out my art supplies.  I can't remember the last time I worked on anything of my own.

One more thing, our little bloom is nearly 22 months.  How did that happen?  Everyone tells you, but you don't believe it until it happens.  She is growing so fast.  She is talking a lot and putting short sentences together.  She is really proficient at her color recognition.  I didn't really realize I was teaching her them.  I just try to describe everything to her.  Hue is important to this artsy mama.  She is showing us how strong-willed she is daily and is full of sweet snuggles.  I can tell this little love is gonna keep us on our toes.    

Life here in the desert can feel lonely, thank you for reading and being apart of our lives, even while we are away.  If you have a moment, let me know, how do you make time for yourself?  What fills you up?

Tired mama or not,  just look at her, she is pure magic.

We hit the skies tomorrow.  Have a beautiful week!